Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
