So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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