he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
