we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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