is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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