dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
