Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
