Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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