i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
