sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
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