ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
