her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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