My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
