I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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