Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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