I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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