and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
