I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
