Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
