The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
