five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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