Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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