how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
