I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
