Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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