Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
