Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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