You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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