My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
