Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
