So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
