My nipple is on Facebook.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
you will always have a special place in my vag
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon