new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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