apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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