I met the friendliest cop last night
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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