Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
