and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Boobs speak an international language.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
