Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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