Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
