I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I wish there were birth control emojis
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
