I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
