Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
