drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize