farters have to be the big spoon...
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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