I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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