i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
