I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
