Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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