my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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