What did we do last night that was yellow?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize