HIV tests are more positive than that guy
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
