Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
