I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
