I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
