I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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