We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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