It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I faked an abortion last night.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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